Finding home
There is a state forest near where I live. There is a fabulous, if somewhat confusing trail system. The trails are well marked, maintained, safe, and challenging enough to keep those of us who need a challenge challenged. The trails are multi-use so depending on the season and weather you’ll find runners/hikers, horses, trail bike, and/or skiers/snowshoers. It is off-leash tolerant and therefore one of my dogs’ favorite places to go. It is one of my happy-places.
Two summers ago, while my life was undergoing a major renovation, the dogs and I spent hours exploring the trails. Prior to this I had been up there periodically. I had also been lost up there more than once. I assumed that I would be able to figure my way through the marking system and maintain my sense of orientation to where I started and headed off without a map or written directions. Pffft, silly me. On two occasions I got so turned around that I had to be rescued by kind souls who knew the trails. Once I had to be rescued twice by a kindly and tall skier wearing a knitted nose cover.
Now that I have traversed all of the trails in the system, I know them by heart. They are so familiar that I can’t imagine the time when they weren’t. I don’t think I could get lost if I tried. I suppose I could if I went off trail, but I have learned my lesson about taking off on a journey without an idea of where I’m going and some general directions. This applies to trails and my life in general. There’s a level of comfort and safety in the familiarity of this place, and this allows me to soften and enjoy the experience more. Whether I am running, hiking, or snowshoeing, I can be fully in the moment because I’m not worried about where I am going, and even if I miss a turn, I can easily recalibrate my journey because I know how to get back to where I started. The gifts that I have uncovered in my hours spent on these trails are too many to count and I have deep gratitude for this slice of nature. It is my home turf.
The Town of Dryden, NY is 94 square miles. I’ve lived here for 37 of the 43 years that I have lived in this region. In the past 37 years I’ve lived in Etna, an unincorporated community, the Villages of Dryden and Freeville, the south side and the west side. The closest I’ve come to moving out of Dryden was the year I lived on a road that was the border between Dryden and the neighboring town of Lansing. I think it is safe to say that Dryden, NY is my home turf. I came to this area as a 17-year-old college student, so my entire adult life has unfolded as a (proud) New Yorker. For a long time, when people would ask where I was from I would answer New Jersey, but that I lived in New York. I’m not sure when I dropped the from New Jersey, but now I say I’m from New York and, if it even comes up, that I grew up in New Jersey. So, New York is also my home turf, and I experience the same comforting familiarity where I live as I find on the nearby trails.
Home is what I have been contemplating lately. Questions arise like, what makes one feel at home? What belief systems I have about it? What I even consider a home? It’s a lot to wonder about and reflect on. I suspect that the prospect of moving across the country is what’s bringing this to the surface and while I don’t know when it will happen, moving looms like a specter on a dark and unknowable horizon. It feels necessary for me to have an understanding of my felt experience of home, as well as to heal the memories and the emotions associated with it before trying to establish one in an unfamiliar place. I’m giving myself a few years to do this.
This is still an uncovering and discovering in process, with many half-formed and speculative thoughts. As is my practice, I am trying to listen more and declare less. There’s far too much baggage to unpack for one innocent blog post – perhaps it will unfold in future episodes. For now, what I know is that home is where I feel safe being me. It is where I belong. It is where I feel connected. But are these things beholden to a container, such as my body, my residence or even my beloved Dryden, NY? I’m leaning into no even as I hold on tightly to yes.
Can home be a way of being? An attitude? An orientation?
Can home be a way of being that says I may not know where I am going, but I know where I am now and I know that the path I am on is authentic and true? Can home be a way of being that creates the conditions so that true nature might arise? Can home be all of the qualities and capacities of mindfulness - understanding, compassion, gratitude, curiosity, acceptance, letting go, patience, and trust? I’d like to think so and I can guarantee that while the journey may be a sometimes confusing network of trails and trials, I will always be able to find my way home.
